It's almost eleven and I've been working all morning. A little tired from a long week, to be honest. My days have felt full and I'm slow to catch up. I'm a tad run down today. Ash is home, off from school, and I've hardly heard a peep from her (other than when I was forced to play Indian princess with her for a bit and help get all the animals to safety in Lincoln's room). She's such a homebody, that one. The realization that she didn't have to go anywhere, that she was free to stay in pj's and play all morning--sheer happiness for this girl. She's upstairs playing away (mostly wrecking Lincoln's room while he's not here), and she's just so content. Really. I wish I could bottle that kind of happiness.
I suppose it's that way for all of us, to an extent. You wake up on a free day, nothing pressing, and can do whatever you choose. We have so many responsibilities--and I'm fine with that and thankful to be able to work and help take care of my family--but a little play time in pj's is always a good thing.
Anyway, a quiet, productive morning has been good for me. Yesterday was sort of emotional. I had an OBGYN appointment, loveys, and I sort of yelled at my doctor.
Well, here's the thing, I was planning to take one of those tests that tells you a lot about the baby and even the gender and all that sort of thing. It's a simple blood test. Not a big deal to me. I think the doctor was trying to communicate to me that lots of women have strong feelings about this kind of test (finding out possible issues beforehand). That's fine. I don't feel that way. I wanted to know the details of what the test will tell me and such, the accuracy and all that. She was saying something like 99.6 percent sure. Which sounds pretty sure to me. This is the first time I've met with this doctor and I have a feeling we just have very different personalities. She seems hyper.
I'm tired. Not really into hyper.
Anyway, at some point she was just raising her voice and saying off-the-wall things about how she can't promise the child won't have asthma or that we won't get into a wreck on I-25. I'm not sure what got her so riled up.
I told her I'm not really worried about asthma, and really, she can calm down.
Jeff was sitting with Linc in the corner, trying to find a game on his phone for our child who would not be still or quiet. At the sound of me saying she could just calm down, his head snapped up like a rubber band. I could see the look on Jeff's face--a little concerned about what I was about to do, a little amused about the whole situation, suddenly very present in case he needs to get involved. The doctor gets even more flustered, saying she is calm. But since she's now super flustered and even standing up--she's seems less calm than ever and I'm just sitting there watching her.
She left kind of quickly after that, with a sort of a mumbled apology.
That's fine. But the whole experience was not great for me and my raging hormones. I went from excited to hear the baby's heartbeat and to check in with the doctor, to feeling very frustrated and unsure what her problem was. Maybe she's not very in favor of that blood test. While she was assuring me some women have strong feelings about it, I was shrugging and saying it's just a blood test. It doesn't bother me. But she seemed to want to be sure I'm aware of how other women feel. In that moment, of course, it's my decision that matters, not anyone else's. It was an awkward situation and put a cloud over me for the rest of the day.
Jeff shook it off by the time we reached the elevator and told me not to worry about it at all. Sometimes I think he's better at shaking things off than I am (more than sometimes). Anyway, we did in fact hear Honey Bear's heartbeat, which was strong and beautiful.
And it's finally Friday. One of my book projects will be sent to typeset later today, that's always a good feeling. There's more work to be done, of course. I will have a busy November.
Today, breathing easier from the stress of yesterday, hearing the sounds of Ashtyn playing upstairs--my spirit seems to be calming. I walked through the kitchen and passed the chalkboard we have. Here's what it says:
And my soul drinks in the words like water.
Love. Joy. Peace. Patience.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Grace for today. Hope for tomorrow.
Now I have Ashtyn sitting next to me (or Soft Paw as is her Indian name today), eating yogurt and then asking me to warm her up. Lincoln will be home soon (I should do something about his room). It's cloudy today but we'll be seeing friends tonight and that gives my heart a boost (I should do something about my hair so they aren't all horrified). And it's the weekend. Time at home with my family.
So I breathe in and breathe out and accept God's grace for today and hope for tomorrow. And it's enough.