I'm still pregnant.
I say that with a deep sigh. I know we're just about 8 days from our due date. And I know it has to happen eventually. But the waiting is hard. Especially here at the end. I'm so ready. Mom and Sara and Ashtyn and I had a date today to go see Cinderella (which was adorable). Now that my mother is here, I just feel like it's time to get this show on the road. I'm so swollen and uncomfortable. And I'm ready to meet my little Lillian.
It's been a whirlwind week. I woke up around 5 am on Wednesday (the day of my farewell lunch at work) and started to cry. It's a bittersweet moment for me. On one hand, I'm 9 months pregnant and therefore I really don't feel like going anywhere at the moment. On the other hand, I will miss my job. Friday I turned in my badge and left for the last time as an employee. That was pretty surreal, to be honest.
But sitting here at home right now, I'm feeling relieved. I'm tired, loveys. And I'm about to have a baby (I hope! Come on, Lily!). It's only a matter of time, but as the great Tom Petty says, the waiting is the hardest part. (I happen to be a major Tom Petty fan, so I just took a major detour looking for this TP video on YouTube and watched a million TP videos. By the way Lily is dancing up a storm, she must be a fan, too. Shell, I'm thinking you and I need to go see Tom in concert again. Seriously.)
So, the countdown to Baby's arrival has begun. I'm ready and scared all at the same time. Jeff reminds me that I've done this twice before. I remind him that I've blocked out most of it. I know some women are absolute rock stars when it comes to labor and delivery.
I am not one of those women, loveys.
I'll just be real. I'm the kind who brings quite a lot of anxiety to the room. I'm freaking out before it starts. I know it will be fine in theory. But that's not as reassuring as you might think. I know it's all worth it. I really do know that.
I'll do what I need to.
I'll also probably cry and at some point say that I've changed my mind about all this. Jeff will hold my hand and wisely keep from saying that it's too late for that. As I type this, he's downstairs with the guys, watching the UFC fights. I know he's ready to get this show on the road as well. We're both anxious. He grinned at me earlier and said, "Let's have a baby today, okay?" If only it were that simple.
Grace comes in the moment, loveys.
I couldn't do it otherwise. But I know grace comes in the moment, and grace will be there for the taking when it's time. And that's what matters. It's what sees us through. It's what makes the difference.
Grace. All over the tears and fear and love and smiles and cries and excitement and worry. Those things that make us human. That make us who we are. I'm just a woman with fears of her own, frail in so many ways. That's okay. God gives us strength.
I know this to be true.
Grace like rain. It's coming.