I woke up with extreme anxiety about my surgery tomorrow. If you didn't know, I'm having surgery on my other foot tomorrow. I've done this once and I know it will be fine so who knows why I'm a basket case, but I am. I woke up extremely nauseous because of nerves. I'm tired beyond reason. The fact that we're nine months in and Lily isn't sleeping through the night--well, it's not the end of the world. But it's not cool.
It is not my morning.
You know those days where you want to cry and nothing really helps?
This was growing in me yesterday and I have to tell you--part of it is social media overload. For the rest of the holiday season, I'm going to be online less. I'll post pictures and keep up with my family albums, but I'm not going to read lots of articles or that sort of thing.
There's a lot going on in this world, lovey. Scary, terrible stuff (also some wonderful things too). But EVERYWHERE, I'm inundated with people posting stuff on what to think, how to feel, how to react, what's right for a Christian--on and on it goes. Self-righteous posts from every side, because everyone thinks that their opinion is best. Everyone thinks their side is the most enlightened.
Just so you know, I'm not telling you one thing on how to feel, lovey. Today, I'm spilling out all I'm feeling, because it's all I can handle. And you're a grown-up person who can choose what you believe and you already know how you feel. You have the right to believe whatever you want. However you feel or are reacting to the issues around us, that's your business and you don't need me telling you what's acceptable or not or who is right and who is an idiot (I've read that word a lot lately, from every political side, calling other people that same thing. Then in the next breath, someone's saying how much they love everyone, except maybe they don't love those idiots they keep venting about). Really, my capacity is at nil today. I even pulled up Instagram and immediately got frustrated. I follow lots of adorable pages about home décor and food. And my first thought was that today I do not care about seeing anyone's holiday mantel. And I'm too nauseous to look at amazing food. I saw a quote post by a blogger woman I love--but my reaction was to simply close my phone. Because as much as I respect her, I don't need anyone telling me what to think.
I believe what I believe. I'm a Christian and my faith journey is my own. I've been on this journey long enough to know that people interpret Scripture differently. I've been part of different faith communities. Some that were legalistic and unhealthy actually, but you know what, even in those places, I found people who sincerely love God and love others. I live in community now with people on the far right and people on the far left--Jeff and I tend to fall somewhere in the middle. Guess what, no side is perfect. Both sides get all riled up by the people who share opinions that run counter to their own (or counter to what they believe is right).
Lovey, it makes me tired.
Whatever you might believe, don't worry, I am too tired to get riled up. I spent yesterday evening putting together a Christmas package for our friends who are having a rough time--the mom, who is the same age that I am, is so weak from cancer. It is heartbreaking.
So I need a break from my Facebook feed. I need a break from CNN.
I don't want to read any more angry opinions today. Or supposedly open-minded opinion pieces that are just more ways to tell us who is right and who is unenlightened or how we should think or how we should feel. People are afraid and people react differently to fear. And that's how it goes. We're not all the same. We're just not. That's okay.
For me . . .
I literally just wish my kitchen island was not such a wreck.
I wish I had more energy today, more patience, more ability.
However, what I've got is what I've got. If I can get through those two huge baskets of laundry on my bedroom floor today, it will be a success. If I can get through these nerves and this anxiety and make it through tomorrow, I'll be doing good. If I can make it through physical therapy and carpool and juggling around Lily and making dinner and running by the post office . . . (I'll be surprised). Tonight, we'll take over this Christmas package to the family right by us who we know is hurting.
It's all I can do.
And I'll lower the amount of social media that I'm taking in. Because truthfully, it makes me frustrated and angry over things that I should probably spend more time praying over and less time reading everyone and their mama's opinions. Sometimes it makes me compare myself to others and feel less-than. Sometimes it shakes my already fragile faith. Sometimes it riles me up and makes me want to yell.
Loveys, it's one of those days for me. Anxious. Exhausted. Still so much to do and people to be responsible for.
There are wonderful moments in this season, but overwhelming ones too. I don't want to be riled up. I'm also not going to pretend that my every thought is charitable. I'm just a regular person. I have fears like everyone else. I have beliefs I struggle to hold on to. I pray through doubt.
It is what it is.
Today I need to get through the Pikes Peak of laundry forming in my room.
I'm just a mom with anxiety and a long to-do list. I don't have all the answers. As much as I'd like to be, I'm not brimming with unconditional love for everyone in the world. I'm doing good to truly love my husband and my kids and my family. I can't even love the person who cuts me off on the freeway!
Just human, I guess.
But you know, God's love reaches where mine can't. I'll rest in that and just do what I need to today.