Hello there, spring.
Loveys, I wish spring would come to stay in Colorado. Instead, it comes, all is happy and glorious, then more snow blows in. It's a cycle that happens every year. I'm ready for April showers bringing in May flowers!! Come on! It was beautiful this morning when the kids went off to school. So they're jacket-less and now we've got snow flurries falling down. I'll definitely need to be on time to carpool.
Do you ever feel like you're not great at a lot of things? I feel this way often. Not great at cleaning house. Not great at writing. Not great at socializing. Not great at dieting and losing weight. Not great at being super productive. Not great at organizing my kids' closets and drawers (or my own). DEFINITELY not great at keeping up with laundry.
Not great. Not. Great.
Since we talked last, lovey, it's been full and busy over here. We had spring break. It was a stay-at-home kind of spring break, which, honestly, was good for me. At our stage of life, with Lily walking ALL over the place, leaving my loft gives me anxiety. My kids are homebodies and love to stay at the house. I did take the kids and some friends to the movies. Ash had a friend sleepover one night. We rented movies from the library and had lots of movie nights with popcorn here at home. We ordered pizza. Then came the blizzard so the kids bundled in ski gear and played out in the backyard. My sister and brother-in-law came over one evening, which was so fun. We had a lovely Easter (and indoor egg hunt) with our group from church.
All good things. I love the people in our life.
However, I sometimes feel like I'm mostly not great at keeping up with everything. You may or may not get me on this. Keeping up with a house and family (and work) can sometimes feel impossible. And I'm not even a perfectionist! Seriously. I learned early on that I am very happy with mediocre. Not in a bad way. I don't need things to be perfect. I don't need my kids to be perfect. I don't need to cook organic meals and make my own glass-cleaner. I have given up on my hair. I'm not one of the cool kids and I'm totally fine with that. More than anything, I love being home and drinking coffee and having Lily crawl all over me while she giggles.
But . . . every now and then, I'd like to feel like I'm not behind on things. (I'm pretty sure the only way this will ever happen is by getting a maid.)
Jeff and I were both frustrated this week with his work. It's been a rough few days for him and for me, and sometimes it feels like things just don't work out and everywhere you turn, you can't seem to catch a break, from people or jobs or kids or anything. Do you know what I mean? You need to work, but your computer decides to freeze every minute. You're desperate for sleep, but the baby starts waking up again.
On and on and on.
Then you make that third cup of coffee, lock yourself away in your office, open the curtains so you can see the spring snow gushing down, turn on some George Winston Christmas music in March (I'm crazy, I know), and remind yourself that not perfect is totally fine.
What matters are the voices I hear upstairs in my house. Those are the people I'm responsible for. I cooked dinner tonight for my family, and Ashtyn was thrilled it was meatloaf night. Meatloaf is her favorite, go figure. :) Jeff tells me that I have to take a break from work to watch Chicago PD with him, because watching it together is our favorite. Because after all this time, we're still each other's favorite, and I'm so lucky because it's hard sometimes, but it's worth it to me. And this house--with homework and endless laundry and whining and laughing and everything else--it's all about the love and it's good. There's love here every day. I'm so very grateful.
Now that we've passed spring break, I was thinking about April showers and May flowers and summertime coming. Time with family. Summer tables with girlfriends. Playdates with kiddos. Day after day at home with these three babies of mine. TV shows to watch and books to read and Jeff to talk to. I'll take it all and love it. I want time with my family because I love them so much. I want to sit with friends and share life. I want to curl up on the couch with Jeff and watch Outlander. I want to drink wine with dinner and have two helpings of dessert. I want to be alone, and give myself grace when I need to.
Sometimes happiness is something we choose. We chase after it and live it out. There are hurdles for everyone. No one has a perfect life. Sometimes we need a little help choosing happiness. That's okay too.
I might not ever catch up on everything. My house will never be perfectly in order (definitely not). I do not care. My weight will fluctuate forever because I love dessert more than any other food. I might not get good sleep for another year. I might not make it through the whole stack of books I'd like to read.
Even in a spring snowstorm--this warm house is where I want to be. Even on days where I'm not great.
No one's perfect, lovey. So grace on you and grace on me.
My favorite part about getting older is this feeling of knowing ourselves and what matters in the end. It's the truth that there are things you can make it through, even if you wouldn't have thought it. It's the realization that you choose your battles and offer grace when you possibly can. With every year that passes, I know myself a little more. I know what God wants from me. I know that loving the people in this house is my privilege and gift.
I know that I can have cake for breakfast if I really want to, which, you know, is awesome. :)
It's a Christmas music and editing kind of night over here, lovey. I've been treading water this week to stay afloat. And I haven't been completely successful. But there's love. And it's good. There. Is. Love.
Thank you, Jesus. It's all that matters.
Posted by Brandy Bruce at March 30, 2016
Labels: giving grace, grown-up thoughts, hard days, hard weeks, knowing who we are, not perfect, snowstorm, spring