Loveys, in just two hours I'll be 37. It's true.
And this evening, I've been thinking about my Mimi. She's in heaven now, but for some reason, she's been on my mind tonight. I was watching a movie that had a lot of swing music in it, and I remember watching the Glen Miller story with her and listening to big band music with her. She was a musical sort, the kind of woman who would dance as she walked. She loved music. And movies. I've been watching these old black-and-white movies on TCM lately, and that always makes me think of her.
I'm nearly 37 and I still so wish she were here with me.
Looking back now, I feel very blessed by all the years I did have her.
It's been a little bit of a rough day, loveys. The kind with babies throwing up randomly in the car. And holding a naked baby in the hot sun in the parking lot of Walgreens while you try to clean up the mess. It's been a full-fledged teething kind of day, with fussiness (coming from both me and Lily). It's been okay really. We all have these days, I know. But now it's quiet in my house (fingers crossed), and I'm tired.
And I keep thinking of Mimi. All the birthdays that she was there for me. How much she loved me...and how we all need at least one person like that in our lives. Someone who loves us beyond anything. Being loved that much is good for the soul. Because when someone loves you that much, you'll still be so grateful and affected by it at even 37. It shapes who you are.
She's part of me and always will be. I want to love my children to the point that it breathes life into them--I want them to be affected by it for the rest of their lives. And my heart hurts for all the children who aren't loved and who need it so much.
Thirty-seven years and I've been so blessed.
No one's life is perfect of course. And some seasons are harder than others. But I think, just maybe, to be loved is everything.
Ashtyn has already been telling me 'happy birthday' all evening and she's just the most precious thing. Even with Lily--when she's fussy and drooling and crying, but then she reaches for me and says, 'Mama'... I can do whatever I need to because I just adore her.
So, my birthday is just about here...and all I can do is thank God because Ashtyn and Lincoln and Lillian are forever the best gifts of my heart (and thank God for Jeff, especially, who helps me on days like today). I sent off the final edits for my book yesterday, and that's another kind of gift, because the story started inside me nineteen years ago and to know that it's actually finished (or my part anyway) is such a wonderful feeling.
I've been a little overwhelmed today, but tomorrow we begin again. And I'll have coffee with a friend and dinner with our small group and my kids are excited for the weekend. We'll be getting ready for Mamaw to come visit soon. And I'm so glad because she loves my kids so well, and they will forever remember that. Like I will forever remember (and love) Mimi. We don't have to be perfect, lovey, we just have to love each other.
I'm thankful to be 37. I'm thankful for every year spent with my husband and my kids, my parents and my sisters and all the beautiful people that make up all the branches of my family, and my friends. I'm a little emotional really. Maybe getting older does that to you. Yesterday as I reread the ending of my book before sending it off--good grief, I couldn't help feeling a little emotional. And my heart squeezed tonight as Ashtyn hugged me at bedtime. And just now, I listened to that swing music and thought of Mimi--conversations I had with her and prayers I prayed with her and how she made me feel just by being around her.
All good things, lovey.
Thirty-seven candles is a lot...so I'll settle for champagne and hugs and kisses from my sweet little family.